Log in

Keep on Truckin [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | PHAETASM ]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

guess what????? [31 May 2003|01:20am]
LJ Barcode
LJ username:

Did u know this LJ is friends only??!!

Well now ya do sucka!!!!!
8 comments| Comment

Dah! [20 May 2003|12:23am]
[ mood | crazy ]

You are 100% straight edge

How straight edge are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

6 comments| Comment

KILL THE FUCKINg MUSIC INDUSTRY!!! [14 May 2003|03:22am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Listened to the new cold c.d. today...Its rather good, I really like this song..

by. Cold


1 comment| Comment

doesn't even deserve a pizza....maybe a pizza trophy.... [14 May 2003|02:31am]
[ mood | creative ]

Stole this from Crista!!

Nihilist Bear
Nihilist Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 comment| Comment

*shivers* [30 Apr 2003|06:41pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I dont know myself anymore....

....I really fuckin need to grow up...

I hate this...
...I'm a mess...

2 comments| Comment

i dunno anymore... [20 Apr 2003|12:51am]

2 comments| Comment

omg omg!!! [19 Apr 2003|05:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]

OMG OMG!!!! did you hear the news about the two pretzals???!!!!

.............One got a-salted!!!


2 comments| Comment

agg-ra-va-ted... [04 Apr 2003|12:02pm]
[ mood | angry ]

so, yeah...as I sit here ...trying not to claw muh eyes out and rip my hair from muh skull I think about life in general. Think about how everything happens for a reason, and how ironic some things are. I think about love and hatred, and sincerity and instability. Think about what assholes some ppl really are and how fuckin wonderful and geniune others are.

Some things just come naturally and some include sacrifices, some are worth fighting for and some just aren't worth the effort of making any move. well this, this is worth every fuckin move, worth every fuckin sacrfice.

He wants to play dirty?? He wants this fuckin war? the only thing I have to say to him is: Bring it on!! This needs to be over with...and now.


Dear, Mr. Douche Bag, [03 Apr 2003|12:35pm]
[ mood | irate ]

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of your delusions and hallucinations, sick of trying to fiqure out if your feelings are geniune or if your just trying to lay some huge guilt trip on me. I'm sick of the "I love yous". I hate the "I love yous". Those words are empty to you. They mean nothing, you are nothing.
I hate your mind games and your sick excuses. I'm sick of the way you say "You mean the world to me", because it's just one huge fuckin mistake. I can't stand the way you hurt me, yet why do I feel like I owe you something? I dont wanna hurt you, I hate being the 'cause of someone's torment yet I hate the fact that I'm way too nice and in all actuality I owe you nothing; and you owe me way more than you can ever give, because you hurt me just as much (if not more) than they have, even when you swore and promised you wouldn't.
Go ahead, use my secrets against me, use the information I confided in you to turn my world upside down, and drag up the past and stoop as low as you can to try to ruin one of the best things that ever happened to me. Newsflash: Its done, Its over with, there is nothing. We are stronger than that. We will not fall, we will not crumble (haha).
When I look into his eyes I see my past, present, and future at once, I feel glory, love, happiness, fulfillment, trust, and honesty. When I look into your eyes, I see hurt and I feel pity. Yes , I feel bad for you. So just keep going on playing your games, but your fighting a losing battle, creating lies to achieve a goal you will never accomplish. You will never have anything that compares to me and him, you will never feel anything compared to this, and most of all..you could NEVER even compare to him.


At The End... [02 Apr 2003|12:12pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Sometimes the days march mercilessly onwards and the effort it takes to wake up in the morning hardly seem worth it a few hours into the day. The effect each episode has on both mind and spirit reminds me of bare knuckle fighting. The first few punches come as a shock, the pain shooting through your fist, feeling your flesh make contact with the target. You feel like you can't ever touch your knuckles to anything again or the pain that results would be too unbearable. But then something inside you motivates you and you are able to block the negativity out of your mind and you throw another punch. You are amazed to realize it still hurts, but it's not quite the same pain as before. You were expecting it this time and you prepared, even if it was just enough to keep you from giving up. You feel a sense of accomplishment, you feel empowered, you've overcome your negative thoughts, pushed them back in your brain and proceeded to do what you wanted to do. You continue to pound away, realizing that your hands are slowly growing numb and the pain is rapidly disappearing. You begin to hit it harder, your hands become one with your arm and your shoulders begin to ache from their toiling. Soon enough, you are not even thinking about anything and your punches become mechanical, but something inside continues to drive you until the last bit of energy is used. You collapse from your efforts and it is not until a few moments after you stop to think do you realize what you have done. The pain in your knuckles returns, even worse than when you had first started. Your hands throb and you look down to assess the damage. Your knuckles are battered and bruised, swollen beyond recognition so that you cannot discern your knuckles from the space in between. Every part of your body begins to ache again and you wonder how you could have pushed yourself to do something that you probably couldn't have done. You wonder why there were no signs warning you against the damage that would result. You wonder why there was nothing there to stop you from hurting yourself. Then you realize that there had been warning signs, that they had always been there, but you chose to ignore them, chose to try to work through them. You realize that the problems don't come suddenly, that they develop over time, and that while you were trying so hard just to push yourself through it all, you were unaware of the problems that would result from all that you had done.


For What its Worth... [28 Mar 2003|04:01pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

No matter how many times you have attempted to reason with some people, they are set in their own delusions and habitual mannerisms, acting with no regard to how their actions affect the thoughts and feelings of those around them. It saddens me to look on the situation, perceiving the madness from all possible angles only to come to one conclusion, the only possible conclusion that can be rightfully drawn. Everyone changes in some way or another over time. Some people drastically change, assuming an alter ego for some time until their former self becomes lost among the memories of yesteryear. Other people change slightly, a difference only recognizable to those who have remained closest to that individual. Some people never change in their thoughts, ideas or behaviors but the environment around them does. They remain the same, or at least satisfyingly similar, to what they have always been, and they grow comfortable with what they are surrounded by. This rigidness inhibits the accepting nature towards change and isolates the individual from what is different but not necessarily worse. Changes occur naturally but not methodically. We can't always control the outcomes of our smallest everyday choices that work towards shaping our character. Those things we do not define ourselves by do not hesitate to define us. But these transformations must be embraced and enjoyed for the same value for which former changes were enjoyed. Life is too short to wish upon a star for the yesterdays to remain. Embrace the differences of today, enjoy the time you have with everyone, regardless of how they compare to who they were a month ago, and remember that just when you are growing comfortable with your life something will change. You can regard the change as something that screwed up the good times in your life, or you can realize you have no choice but to move onward, enjoying every day moreso than your last. Nothing is real and nothing lasts. If you aren't just going to enjoy what you have and who you share it with, at least have the decency not to screw everything up for everyone else...

2 comments| Comment

Winters of Eternity..... [27 Mar 2003|12:48am]
[ mood | blank ]


It had never felt cold before
twirling barefoot through the falling snow
dressed in nothing but the safety of your eyes
maybe their warmth was keeping me from falling
can angels feel the bitterness of winter

I never meant to fall from your graces
but these wings could not hold me through the winter squall
they tattered so easily the moment you looked away
leaving me naked in agony on the harsh cold ground
can innocence ever be returned to the broken hearted child

I never had to walk so far
raw calloused feet trip and tare against icy death
making it through the endlessness of eternity to show you
show you I could be strong I could be deserving
can the wandering soul ever return home

I never felt so relieved in all this frigid horror
as when these feet finally gave way at your side
and I saw in those eyes once more the safety
safe warmth that should have never been questioned
to make me fall down from your arms
and I can make it through all these winters
surviving on your love


Damaged... [26 Mar 2003|12:25am]
[ mood | blah ]

Heard this song on the radio today...I really really like it. lol, took me FOREVER to find out who sings it.


I know I'm kinda strange
To you sometimes
Don't always say
What's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt
By some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cuz I don't wanna lose you
If you're really really really there
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothin' to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm fallin' in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff
For what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up
To see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid
From what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

yep yep. good song.


All Things Left.... [22 Mar 2003|03:44am]
[ mood | lonely ]


Dark night has pushed the imagery of hope from the dusk
Long passed with blind eyes I embark on this abyss of all things left
The candle and the wick
A part of me melted with the wax that's strewn in the puddle of tears and blood
The twinkle of life in my eyes
Left to flicker in the pale sky like stars that swallow my voice
Grace of butterflies and dreams of sun and warmth
That burned cold and froze the air in my lungs
In my chest
My heart beat with every intention of letting me die
Potential failure in this clenched jaw
In the hollowness of the still
Let me wallow in this chasm of cruelty
This moment, dark shed its shadow on me

A fragment of time
And the ember glowed and was smothered
By the damp air that kissed my tears as I wept
And the finality of all things left
Every sliver of the hour, on the clock, that ticked, its seconds that never stopped
Time would never cease
And this death was almost on the brink of new life
And new dawn, then night still drowns in old ideals
The integrity that spills over tainted glass and spills like sweat on my brow
Forsaken this day
Charred with the ash of false security that's burned
Its smoke choking at the innocence of my confined thoughts
Solitude and still all things left
Dealt my losing deal and my bet, my life
Then pounce and take it from me without restraint
Leave me and a gasped beg for breath
I have nothing left but my vigilance to fail and my deception to succeed


Never Enough..... [09 Mar 2003|12:10pm]
[ mood | content ]

No matter what you are, you'll never be enough. As difficult as it is to accept that concept, sometimes it is the only thing that can keep you from hoping in a hopeless situation and driving yourself to the point of self-destruction over a non-existent issue.


Anyone But Me [05 Mar 2003|12:12pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Just about every time I am with more than one or two people I am reminded why I hate people with such a passion. I have found it entirely impossible to befriend more than two people without having friends with conflicting interests. Perhaps it's just the town, or just the age, or just the specific people with whom I am associated, but I feel trapped in a war of unspoken words and resentment. Unspoken, at least, to those the words really concern. The kind of resentment to which only a few are privy to at any given time, but to which I am always made aware of despite my efforts to ease the harsh feelings.

It is so hard to listen to those you care about speak unkindly about another one of your friends. Worse, that they have ignored your attempts to make them stop, if not completely, at least in your presence. All efforts have failed. All defenses have gone disregarded. The pains of last summer come back, pushing for the right thing to be done, yet I can't bring myself to willingly betray. Let the pieces fall where they may but I do not pretend to think I have the power to decide what anyone would think is the right thing to do. So I refrain from trying to change anything. It's not my place.

"I wish I was like you". I hate that more than anyone could ever know. I would be flattered if people knew what they were getting into making that statement to me, but people have no idea what "like me" entails. If you could only see . . . My friend often says how her life sucks, how she hates her life, etc., so I recently asked her "Well, if you hate your life so much, whose life would you rather have?". She replied, "Anyone's but mine". I asked her a simple question and that was the best she could come up with - anyone's. No thought put into it whatsoever, no specifics, no contemplation about what exactly makes her life "suck" so much that she wished she were someone else

I wish people knew what they were getting into, with me, with anyone. There is so much that you cannot even begin to conceive about people. There is no possible way one can understand the inner workings of anyone without being that person, even if one were to attempt to explain. I have tried to explain some things, but most people are less than willing to try to listen to what I am saying enough to understand how important what I am telling them is. Correction, most people are unwilling to listen, all people do not understand what I am saying, or at least refuse to understand in fear of damaging that perfect image they have conjured up in their head of me. All people but one. And I do not apologize for anything I have said, or given up on saying to others. We have shared our deepest darkest secrets, and although it has perhaps cast a slight shadow over our perspective of the other, it is our true selves. No mirages. No delusions. No images of perfection in danger of being destroyed by the truth. Other people say I never talk, at least not about what is bothering me, and the truth is, I do talk, just not in the way that anyone else does. I have said more than anyone has noticed, I have just talked less than they would have liked. I have tried to show them, to help them understand, but I don't think it will ever make sense to anyone, except for the only person I have found that has as much interest in the human condition as I do. And finding that in another has helped more than anyone could understand, and that connection, though shared by both parties, has also been misunderstood. It doesn't matter, though, and yet again I have given up on trying to explain, because what can I say? How exactly can I explain what has gone through my head the past year to the people I have been around, the people I have tried talking to in my own way, but who have failed to understand just how much deeper everything lies within myself than in the common teenager?

I understand myself, but it doesn't matter anymore. I still get the comments, how people want to be just like me, how I am so perfect, how I am good at everything I do. How can I explain that lie to anyone? How can I show the shadow that has been cast to anyone who is shallow enough not to take the time enough to learn about another person? I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I wouldn't want anyone else's life. It's not to say that I want to be myself, that I want my life, but that is not a choice we get to make. I've done what I can, but there's nothing to be done. And if none of this makes sense to anyone, I prove my point. If you can't recognize this as something someone you know might say, then you are disappointingly self-involved. Take the time to learn about your friends, your fellow classmates, anyone with which you come into contact. Devote the time you spend with people to listening, not only to what they say, but how they say it, and more importantly, what they don't say. Some of the most important issues with people remain silent within themselves, locked away, only for a special person to discover. If this makes perfect sense to you because you feel the same way, or at least you think you understand what I am trying to say and you feel that way, I prove another point. There are millions of teenagers out there wishing they wouldn't go on to live another day, dealing with the same issues you are, or with different issues that have the same effect on them. Yet, there you are, wishing you had their life .

1 comment| Comment

tooonight....tonight tonight.... [28 Feb 2003|01:26am]
[ mood | crappy ]

I dont know what else to say besides that tonight was absolutly horrible....just because some people have to not leave me alone and try to ruin things for me. I have one question to ask that person??? If you want me to be happy, why are u trying to destroy my life and take away 1 of the maybe (MAYBE) 2 things I deeply care about and want so very much.....



What happens when i think too much.... [19 Feb 2003|12:45am]
[ mood | productive ]

just thinking about stuff I've been through, going through, will go through...etc..here I go:

Pain is an amazing factor in everyday life. Life, no matter how long lived, presents pain unavoidably. From the second you are born until the second you die, pain alters the way you live. It causes you to rethink the moves you're going to make, the way you're going to go, and whether or not everything will be worth it in the end. But how often does pain truly hurt you? Pain occurs on different levels, ranging from tripping to falling from a ten story building. When you trip, you remember to tie your shoes. When you fall, you relize that there are always people at the bottom who want you to get back up again. When you're young, you're just learning to balance. You fall, but because you're small, you can easily get back up again. As you grow older the ground gets farther away. The falls are harder, and each time it becomes more difficult to pick yourself back up. Your parents and friends, the people who love you, are usually there to help you, but occasionally you find yourself alone and on the ground. The pain of being hurt is amplified by the fact that no one is there to help you, and part of you stays hurt and fears being alone again, in case you should fall. Eventually you pull yourself from the ground and keep walking. At school, you give an answer that turns out to be wrong. It's met with a cruel comment from a classmate. On the playground, you fight with your friends and one pushes you down. You sit on the cold ground and look up at them and know that they're sorry, but they still walk away. That same part of you watches and fears rejection. A little later in life, when you think you've found the person you love, unchangabledifferences take your lives in different directions. Having lost, you then fear love. Parents are often little help, presenting problems varying from misunderstanding to invisible bruises. From then on, you never allow yourself to trust. Eventually, an acquaintance a friend, a loved one, dies. Your eyes are opened to how short and fragile life is, and you discover what it means to die. You don't want to die.

Pain teaches you to avoid things. Being alone, being rejected, loving and losing, trusting and being betrayed, and the obvious demise of every living creature on this planet create a learned pain within each of us, and causes us to stray from our given path to one with less opportunity and more safety. We close the door to our own emotions so we can't be hurt. We step off the sidewalk of opportunity to get away from the various providers of pain, but we get hit by a time truck once we step into the street. Everything slows down. Without pain there's no progression. You don't learn that you can pick yourself back up, that there will be right answers, that friends who are true friends always come back, that the best thing to do when you lose something is to try to find something better, that even invisible bruises heal, that there are those that can be trusted, and that though death is inevitable, that doesn't mean you can't live.

3 comments| Comment

blah... [08 Feb 2003|03:33am]
[ mood | confused ]

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 comment| Comment

Emotions I'm trying to Find... [03 Feb 2003|11:26pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

here i go again...


Wither my thoughts
Destroy my mind
Smother the emotion
I'm trying to find
Lost in trepidation
Begging, Supplication
Tear me away from the life, Sullen and dark
Save me please, Revoke the pain in my heart
Look not upon me in calamity
Stifle the noise, The revelry
In a tumult I strive to be placid
Your thoughts and words are acid
Dripping on my restive skin
Draw it back, Give me restitution within
Pity me not, Suffer me none
I am unpreturbed by your immolation
This thudding pain opiates my soul
Allow me no obstination, Nothing is unbearable
Be not fretful, Faulter none
Death is my resurrection
Do you condone my illusions?
Or are you armed with a sword of discontent?
I am devoid of contrition
You are but an obsolete vexation
Solace me not, I will wrench free of your grip
I will be no servant to your whip
Save me from this inarticulate world
It is ridden with tremulous souls
It is all a reiterated, never-ending succession
The race is precluded and precarious
There is ferocity without so much a feigned interest
Minds are broken, Thoughts incredulous
Death is painful, Dreams are ominous
The world is harsh
Inexorable, you are overly garish
Save me from my dark, Deteriorating mind
Help me seek the emotions I'm trying to find

Just thinking alot about things today...like every aspect of my life and how i need to change certain things about myself...and about adam and how i feel towards that situation and everything horrible...and this one feeling that someone gives me that makes everything okay again and completely makes it all worth while. I hope he realizes how much he means to me...


[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]